There, I Said It

I stutter. That's right. I STUTTER. Not something I talk about a lot with anyone. I fell when I was a kid and cracked my head, damaging the part of my brain that helps me speak. So now I stutter. I went to speech therapy as a kid, but it didn't help alot. So here I am. When I was sixteen years old, God called me to preach. This is a brief paraphrase of how it went

GOD: "Luke, I want you to preach."
LUKE: "Uh, are you sure? I ,uh, like stutter and stuff."
GOD: "I know. C'mon, lets go."

Theres a bit more to it than that, but you get the jist. I preached Sunday night at my church, and I listened to the tape this afternoon. Can I say, I hate listening to myself. I stutter! How could anyone listen to me. God, are you sure you know what you are doing? How could you use me?

I hear all over now the cries of Moses, and Paul, and all these people with disadvanteges. I know. I know. I know. Easier said than believed. Why do I continue to doubt you, God? I know God puts the words in my mouth. I know I come with weakness and fear and much trembling. I know my preaching is not with wise and persuasive words. But it is still hard. Everytime I see people whisper or laugh, I wonder if they are talking about me. I can go to promise after promise in scripture. Still it is hard. It makes me angry sometimes. Do people get so wrapped up in how I am saying it, that they miss what I say? Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me was probably deaf. I trust God, I know He is in control. Besides, he does not need my words anyways, right. All He needs is the power of the Gospel.

I say thank you, God, for my stuttering. I mean it sometimes. Sometimes I do not. But I trust you. Help me, Lord, to practice what I preach to others. Your Gospel is enough. I need you and you alone. Help me to see me the way you do. Thank you that I cannot rely on myself. Thank you for making me need you more. Thank you for my disadvantage. Do not let me look on it as that, but rather a blessing.

This is not a feel sorry for Luke time. This is an expression of my hearts cry. You just get to witness a conversation between a Father and child.


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