It Happened Again

I always think I have God figured out. Then it hits me. I don't. I think I know where God is going, where He is leading me, where He is taking me, and then my life gets turned upside down. He leads me places I could not expect. Beyond my wildest dreams. Places like Bartlesville and Yukon. Places I would never have thought of going, but I learned so much at.

Why do we continue to doubt God? I sit here typing at my computer, worried, wondering, about where God will take me next. I don't quite understand. Has God ever given me reason to doubt Him? Of course not. But still I do. I come to the foot of the throne and lay it at his feet. I get up and turn to walk away. I take a couple of steps and then I turn and run and lay hold of it again. For those brief instants, my mind was filled with the goodness of the Lord, and with His radiant light and beauty. I sit and bask in his peace. Then it starts to come slowly upon me. What about this? What about that? Money. House. Car. Job. Marriage. All these thoughts crowd my mind and I find myself dwelling on them. Agreeing with them. Even though I just gave it God, my mind still races. Why are you cast down, O my soul? cried the Psalmist. Why do I continue to think on the things of the earth? Why must I know what will happen. I need you Father. I sit here and my mind is overwhelmed. I need you to answer me. O God, the fear and the doubts crept in around me and I am afraid. That is all there is to say. I am afraid. Of what though? Of not having a job, of losing my possesions that I think are so dear to me. The plan that I worked out in my mind was great. I was going to be able to do the things that I wanted me to do. And live comfortablly and do the things I want. There it is again. I I I I I I The pride in me raises it's ugly head. From the middle of my petitions to God, and my basking in His peace, my flesh tries to raise itself again. Like a zombie from the movies, it won't go away. All I think about is myself. I'm tired of it. I don't want the desires of my heart, I want the desires of your heart for me. I don't want what is easy and cushy, I want what is right. I want to honor you in all I do.

Father, I feel sometimes as if I am walking down a path with a chasm of darkness on one side and terrible beast waiting to devour me on the other. And while I walk, the world, and sometimes my own head, screams at me for being foolish. The darkness crowds around me so thick that I can hardly see the trail. Voices, and beast, and the world screams at me continually. I begin to wonder if I am on the right path. Then I hear it. At least I think I do. Yes, that is it. Faint as might be at times, though I can't make out the end of the path through all the darkness, I hear the voice of my saviour calling. I run to you down the path with reckless abandon. I run into your arms. I know that the path you have for me is so much better than any path I could have picked for myself. I love you, Father. Continue to move on my heart. Even though my flesh is deaf to your words, continue to speak your peace to my heart.

I still wonder, Father, what the future holds. But I trust you. I trust you. You are good. You are wise. You alone can show me the path. Thank you, Father, in advance, for the great and mighty things I will see when you work.


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